What's In The Mashed Potatoes

In this special Thanksgiving Day episode, we visit Philadelphia, PA and Oklahoma City, OK. What's that you say, this is the weekend before Christmas? Yeah, well, we keep the spirit of Thanksgiving the whole year through around here. We turn the awkwardness up to 11 right from the start. Along the way, we encounter a brutally honest fellow, learn about the real biggest party night of the year, uncover a special addition to mashed potatoes, and one of our hosts squeals like a giddy schoolgirl just after the halfway mark. If you're making bets on which host, get them in early. Oh, and Zoey is unclear on the mechanics of sex. AND we improvise the closing theme music. kinda.

20th "Anniversary", or, Fat Fat Fat No Fattyes!

In this special episode, we visit Las Vegas, NV, New York, NY, and Portland, OR. We're joined by our very first guest host: the lovely and talented drmk of You Suck at Craigslist! Rather than the usual rundown of the horror you can expect to find in the podcast, we'd like to use this space to say thanks again for joining us, Llamanun, and y'all come back now, y'hear!

Not exactly Craigslist, but it's a kissin' cousin

Yeah, I said it. What?

This is an email exchange that occurred between me and a young lady on the Personals-Site-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named,-Except-It-Already-Has-Been:

I led off with an email to her:

~~~
I love public radio, I keep up with current events, I'm usually not far from a book. On my bedside table right now, you'd find "Cloud Atlas" by David Mitchell. It's terrible bedtime reading, far too cerebral. Either your brain will work to keep up with it and keep you awake, or you'll drone right through it and nothing will stick and/or make sense.

I think education is important, and a drive for self-improvement is vital, but I don't think that a college diploma is necessarily proof of either. I have well-rounded friends who never went to college, and who hasn't had at least one clueless but degree-holding coworker?

I'm chivalrous. I believe in treating a lady like a Lady, and I always strive to be a perfect gentleman to you.

I'm nerdy. I like video games, though playing the instruments in Rock Band makes me question whether I actually have any rhythm to speak of. I have a silly sense of humor, and love dorky teenage movies even if (now in my 30s) I'm outside of their target audience. If you think you're interested in getting to know me better, I'd be thrilled to chat over lunch or dinner sometime.
~~~

And she wrote back:

~~~
Where have been? I really would like to meet you. I'm sure that we could talk for hours, sorry if I'm so straight forward but you seems to be too smart for "hi how doing thing". I'll see you soon?
~~~

Now, just based on that response, my initial reaction was "Pr0n bot." But the ad itself included more than one picture, and some decent information about the girl, so I thought, alright, I'll stay cautiously optimistic and give it a chance, right?
Here's what I wrote back to her:

~~~
I like to think I'm a pretty smart guy, yeah. I know big words and can use them correctly. I can even spell properly.

Anyway, do you mind if I ask a little bit about you? What sort of things do you like to do in your spare time? Do you like to read? What sort of books do you like? What's your favorite movie? Tell me about something sill you did in your childhood. What's your favorite pair of socks? Do you appreciate random questions?

I hope you've had a good weekend, and I would like very much to learn a little more about you. I like what I've read and seen so far, and I hope to hear back from you soon.
~~~

A little rushed and stilted, yeah, but I figured that if it IS a pr0n bot, I won't have wasted a bunch of effort on it, and if it's a real person, and I can use the excuse that I was tired and had a headache, both of which were, and are still, true.

And here's her response to THAT:

~~~
I can't spell properly beacause I have dyslexia, but I'm not embarressed of it, despite my problem I was still able to speak 3 language fluent, good for you that you can speel properly, too bad that you don't have any people skill. The reason why I'm single is that I won't take rude man like you. The reason why you're single is that besides beeing smart and good looking, you don't have people skills.
I don't talk about myself your things that I like to people that I don't know, if I did you would see it on my profile, I don't have facebook, or myspace, I like to decide to whom I will talk about myself to.
~~~

Now, normally, I would have just closed the window, and deleted the email, and said "Oh well, poor me, another girl rejecting me out of hand without getting to know me, poooooorrrrr Eeyore."
But then I realized, no, I'm not going to let that go.

~~~
Well, I'm sorry you thought I was being rude. I wasn't trying to be, and I apologize that it came across that way. My statement that I was able to use big words and even spell them correctly was not intended to be an insult to you, nor to poke fun at nor tease you. How could it be? I had no idea you were dyslexic, and if I had, please understand that I would never be so rude as to make fun of you for it. I'm an intelligent guy, and what goes along with that, is an understanding and a compassion for people with conditions such as yours.

Along with that, though, is that asking neutral personal questions ("What's your favorite book?" "What do you like to do for fun?") is an integral part of getting to know someone and deciding whether you want to form a deeper, more meaningful relationship with them or not. I asked some basic, neutral questions that, if you had answered them, could have led into conversations about books (which, believe me, I can talk about for hours, because I LOVE books and reading in general), or movies, or clothing, or activities.

I can understand your reaction if I had, out of the blue, asked you if you liked having sex on your back or on your knees; if I had asked what size your breasts were; if I had asked you how far you go on a first date, and if you would consider phone sex, and by the way what's your number, but I didn't ask you any of that.

I responded to your ad because you seemed like an intelligent young lady as well, and also because you are quite attractive, and caught my eye, and if nothing else, I'd at least have met someone pretty cool that I can talk to about intellectual stuff.
Like books.
Like movies.
Like activities we find interesting and exciting.

Instead, though, you called me rude, and said I had no people skills, despite the fact that we've exchanged less than 500 words in conversation, which is, essentially, talking to someone for a minute and a half. This message that I've written has, by this point, reached 80% of that, thereby almost doubling the amount of conversation we've had.

So, in summary, I'm sorry that you felt I was making fun of you for having dyslexia. I wasn't. I'm sorry you think I"m rude and not good with people (despite having a fairly successful job as a waiter, which requires you to be ultra-polite, and have GREAT people skills), because I asked some basic getting-to-know-you questions.

I certainly hope you find what you're looking for, and I wish you all the best in life, because I think you deserve it. Anyone who can rise up and kick dyslexia in the butt enough to learn three languages can accomplish anything. I don't have a hint of dyslexia, and I'll never know anything more than English, so my hat to you, Lady.

I hope you had a good weekend, and have a great week.

-M

Rake Hell

In this episode, we visit Phoenix, AZ and Chattanooga, TN, and discover Tycho has a way with words, and Zoey tells stories. We meet a basssstard, a philanthropist, briefly discuss tragic romances, and then doubt a poster's word about himself. We find possibly the worst Thanksgiving plans EVAR; then spend WAY too much time on CL poetry; briefly touch upon photographic techniques; find something that, possibly, you should be terrified of, kept in some guy's bathroom; and wrap everything up with an epic brawl regarding the summary.

Tastes Like Tobasco

In this episode we visit Detroit, MI and Indianapolis, IN, and find would-be masters, former models, fans of elderly strippers, and meet up with an old friend. We also encounter explorers through unchartered waters and trying-too-hard land.

Vroom Vroom I'm A Car

In this episode we visit Cleveland, OH and Salt Lake City, UT. Right off the bat, Tycho delves into casual racism and Zoey tries to save it. We reveal our Halloween costumes, then manage not to get the episode out until Thanksgiving. We meet a guy who compares himself to onion dip, a sugar daddy seeking princes, a message from (or maybe to) an alien, a guy who lets Orianthi do the talking for him, and Zoey meant to say transposed, there. We also find Tycho having an unusual number of reading blowouts, a guy who is interested in a monogamous relationship but not a sole mate and is worried that it might end up a lamb night, a model who maybe doesn't know the difference between good attention and bad attention, and wrap up with a guy who is very attractive men.

The Human Centipede

In this episode, we travel to Houston, TX and Minneapolis, MN to read the plight of singo guys. Zoey is wrong in the middle of the episode, fails at summarizing after the episode, and double fails at uploading... enjoy!

Shave Your Cat!

In this episode we visit Charlotte, NC and Delaware. We spend a whole lot of time in the bathroom, find more poetry than usual, discourage riding ponies that jump through hoops, and explore the special challenges of that vampires looking for love on craigslist. Before we're finished, Tycho gives us some old school rap, we meet up with the love god, and more!

Bounce Points

In this episode we head to Miami, FL and Sacramento, CA. We find a guy who is willing to change everything, a guy who is potentially looking for a relationship of a sort, a fellow who Tostitos for fun, goths, witches, and vampires, purposeful games of the mind, a GIR that's real, a total jerk and a whole lot more!

RW5 - Taking a Little Peek

Further news from the Romantic Writing front!

Of Troublemakers and Mistchief

In this episode we visit Denver, CO, and Wyoming. We find priceless and awesome emoticon-ers, the way not to structure a foundation, a guy who just wants to be "appreacated" before someone takes him out, people who aren't really on facebook, and much, much more!

The Shapes of the Letters

In this episode, we take the podcast international. Tycho visits Halifax, Nova Scotia, then gives up and heads to London, Zoey visits Toronto, we meet a guy who is sure you don't meet his criteria, and one with tools to help survive the zombie apocalypse. Zoey intends to reference Edward Tufte, but screws it up, then Tycho drops a bombshell. We also find a jackhammer-er with a very narrow area of focus, a lunch order, and another virgin.

I Am A Tasty Slice of Bread

This episode we visit Seattle, WA and Raleigh, NC. A moratorium is established, swipes are taken, an apology is made, and then, FINALLY, the episode proper begins. We discover a kindred soul, technical issues a-plenty, and a thanker. Advice is given, grammar is eliminated with EXTREME prejudice leaving our brave explorers speechless; at the 43:05 mark, Tycho delves into in-episode hypocrisy, then makes a promise and immediately breaks it, and this time around, ZOEY SINGS! Styx is discussed, a tangent is tangented, and we wrap up with black licorice. Yeah, really.

Romantic Writing 4 - The Rarest Combination of Words

We return to the scene of the latest Romantic Writing incident to bring you eyewitness reports.

WWWWAAAARRRRBBBBLLLLL

In this episode we visit Albuquerque, NM and Atlanta, GA. Zoey finally completes a long-threatened intro, a serenade from Tycho, we encounter unreleased beta versions of the male of the species, an ad that takes the cake in being creepily specific, and Tycho steals the closing only to bluff through the summary.

True Love's Swan Song

Another update from the epicenter of the Romantic Writing storm.

$$If You Are Hairy, You Can Be Rich!$$

In this episode we visit Los Angeles, CA and Trenton, NJ. We found homie-lover-friends, puppy lols, the coolest guy on craigslist, a postscript that even Tycho can't object to, and learn more about Tycho's musical side projects.

A Wreck of a Male

In this episode we visit New York, NY and Boston, MA, we find creeper hubbies, bratty young ladies, a debate about the nature of milk, a deck made of small alots, and we add another item to Zoey's "just don't" list.

The Willing Breasts

The most recent development in our ongoing coverage of the Romantic Writing outbreak in Tallahassee.

I Mean, DAMN!

In which Tycho travels to our Nation's Capital, and Zoey head to a Windy City, and along the way, they discuss: morning activities, and what various co-workers might think of them, the benefits of splitting rent, pants thieves, sex before meeting, Evony, a Romantic Writing acolyte, and gender roles, both in and out of the house. Also, Tycho flirts with copyright infringement again, then learns about Volume control, then does a REALLY bad impression of a scene from The Big Lebowski, while Zoey talks Writing 101 and how not to write an ad that someone would respond to. We try DESPERATELY to end on a good one, but eventually just call it a day and skid, in flames, to the end.

The Laughing Pee

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a up to the minute(ish) coverage from Tallahassee, FL, where the Romantic Writer has struck again.

White Male On Sale

In this episode we travel to Las Vegas, NV and Topeka, KS. We found 1337 gamers, vowel economists, creepily helpful siblings, possibly the worst dating questionnaire ever, a very desperate fairy tale, a surprising uptick in the number of host rants, and Zoey harasses Tycho about his lack of blogging, when she's JUST AS GUILTY ABOUT NOT POSTING ANYTHING THERE HERSELF. Also, we issue two listener challenges; feel free to respond by email or comments on the blog!

Tycho's Craigslist Ad of The Week

I'm not even going to include any commentary for this. If you know the podcast, you know everything I'd say anyway, plus, I'm not feeling phenomenal, and I don't feel like thinking up funny stuff today.
~~~~~~
im in a relationship been in one for a year n a half now. my girl is 24 im 28...ive cheated on her before cuz i wasnt happy n i told her n we moved on. I love my girl shes smart sexy n all that. But im realizing that i love thick women..my girl is slim. also my girl hardly ever does her hair, i have to beg her to do her hair. She doesnt like to wear heels or dress up either..she jus plain jane..well i work at the mall. So thats not a good look for her because im always seeing beautiful women at work..sumtimes they seem interested in me but i can never get to know them because im in a relationship. I love thick women i like hair (straight) i love heels n nails u know a ladylike lady. our sex is okay but mostly when i put on a porno. Im a FREAK shes a lil more conservative..so idk ladies i jus wanna make sure im in the right place. we have acoomplished sum nice things 2gether i mean we have a nice home. i jus want her to put forth more effort into her appearance n spice up the bedroom. But if u think u can be this lady write me n let me know. im not in a rush to leave my girl cuz i do love her but if i do leave her i need to make sure ur worth it. send me a pic or u can jus give me sum advice..i love older women..i know what i want..my name is dwayne email me dwaynelevy at y mail
~~~~~~~

-Tycho

Led Down the Turnstile

In part two of our special report, in which Zoey is overamplified in the mix and technical issues plague the record, our brave explorers continue their plunge into the depths of Romantic Writing, learn new words, and flirt with copyright infringement. Tycho invokes Abdul Alhazred, the Tootsie Pop Owl and Jim Jones, a tangent about body part class elitism ensues, pollution is briefly touched upon, Zoey steps up for New Jersey (sort of), then follows it up with a rant (that's right- from Zoey!), then, starting at the 32:20 mark, Tycho tells two long winded stories about his personal life that no one AT ALL will care about. Feel free to stop listening at that point.

Castle of Nudity

In this episode, the first of a two part special report from Tallahassee, FL, our brave explorers plumb the depths of Romantic Writing and discover, amongst other things, bloody bathing and grammatical impossibilities. Tycho makes an inflammatory comment about The Most Beautiful Woman Who Ever Lived, battles erupt in front of an oddly specific fortress, and one of our heroes tells the story of almost getting an eye poked out. Poit poit... POIT.

A Greedy Bitches Dinner!

In episode 4, we visit Louisville, KY and Philadelphia, PA. While there, we study the use of random capitalization, we jinx ourselves in the intro, and briefly touch on topiary and Sondheim. Also, Tycho isn't bitter at all. Not even a little bit.

Two Bonus Ads ... From the Ladies

Tycho and I discussed a bit about the gender inequity in the podcast, since we're always picking on the men seeking women ads. It's certainly something we're going to explore in greater depth. In my experience, though, the women seeking men ads tend to break down (usually in a less hilariously bad way than men seeking women) into five categories: "look at my porn" bots, "are there any real men left" embittered damsels, "I want a sugar daddy" gold-diggers, "I have some bizarre and very specific criteria" nitpickers, and a smattering of rare, sincere, thoughtful, well-constructed "here's why I'm worth meeting and what I'm looking for" ads.

I turned to the ladies of Chicago for a pair of sketches: one to illustrate a fantastic ad, the other a terrible one.


If you like Joan from Mad Men... - 34 (Downtown)
Date: 2010-07-21, 8:46PM CDT

...you just might like me. And you won't believe you found me here. And I won't believe you wrote me here. But life is short. And guys and girls don't meet at school dances anymore.

So here we are.

Ideally, I'd meet you sitting in the same aisle on a boring work trip. You'd make me not even want to turn on my ipod. Or we'd cross paths on our way to work and we'd both do the second-glance-look-back thing. Maybe you'd just happen to be checking out the same random band as I am?

Truth is, I'll meet you however I meet you.

I'm a perceptive, smart, thoughtful, attractive voluptuous/full-figured woman. I work hard and care about what I accomplish in my career. I'm independent - yet I know I could use some help in getting me to take advantage of e-fares. Long-weekend escapes are always good. Maybe you'll even let me have the window seat?

You. Chances are you've got a sharp mind. You're genuine, funny and just have a certain way about you. You're motivated and clever. You're better than I am at some things. I'll admire you.

You might be someone who stumbled upon this and wonders if he should even bother responding.
If that's you...see paragraph 1.

But I don't know you yet...it's up to you to tell me.

Pic for pic. Looking for a SWM, late 20's - early 40's.


compare with:


What does tall even mean - 23 (palatine)
Date: 2010-07-22, 8:59AM CDT

I've posted on here before, met a few nice guys....No one I had a "Spark" with.......Now I'm 5'11 and I consider that to be tall for a woman.. I'm looking for a TALL ( 6'3 and up) and please please please be a real 6'3 ( I know what 6'3 looks like:) I know this may sound shallow but I love a tall guy 6'4 -6'5-6'6 LOVE IT:)...I'm 23 brunette, "perfect" teeth ;) Big blue eyes, and some curves( Not a BBW not a stick figure) I'm fun, funny, motivated, happy and a great person( I think;) I'm looking for friends first, then whatever happens happens...I'm all about this being simple, just got out of a relationship and miss the company of a MAN :) I know this may confuse some of you but I like my men late 20's mid 30's...please have a job,car, etc:) I know I may sound harsh but I think I have a lot to offer in a friendship and I expect the same...I will send photos after I've seen yours:) Please be attractive:)


- Zoey

Tycho's Craigslist Ad of the Week!

This is just a little thing I'm going to try to post every week, to tide you over until the new episode is up.

This is very rapidly starting to take over my life. Kind of worrisome.

Here's the ad:

i want big butt wife - 42 (stone mountain)
Date: 2010-07-21, 5:58PM EDT

>>first i'm a real man looking for a woman with butt to start long term relationship. also must be looking for long term relationship and be real woman.<<

Alright, he's looking for a woman with butt. I assume that means a pork butt, because he's a big fan of rump roast. So, when you eventually go to meet up with him, make sure you've got a pork butt under one arm.

And be real, woman!
At least, I assume that's what he meant, and he just left out the comma.

>>tired of the single life...easy going and have sexy body. i'm 6'0 feet 240 pounds. highly handsome. i'm 42 but look younger.<<

That first sentence, I don't know if he's referring to himself, or to the lady he's looking for. I'll assume himself, and that the rest of it is just elucidation on the theme.

Also, "6'0 feet" is redundant, unless he's saying he's six feet zero feet, which is a guy I'd like to see.


>>i'm ready to settle down one woman that will lead to marry.<<

Marry is the girl he's REALLY looking for, and he's hoping that by settling down a different woman-one that got riled up, possibly by the fact that he's actually looking for Marry?- he'll find her. You know, get Marry jealous so she'll come crawling back. I wonder if Marry is real woman.

>>i'm blackmale.<<

Really? Like, the anthropomorphic personification thereof? I don't know that I'd want to date or marry you, then. I'd be paying money out every month to keep all the bad stuff hidden away.

>>consider as family man. home body but enjoy many legal activities.<<

I don't even understand that first sentence, and the second one is just sort of scary. I've long been a proponent of the idea that if, in the text of your personals ad, whether it's Craigslist or Match.com, if you write "I'm not a psycho!" or "I'm not a crazy guy!" or "I don't participate in illegal activities," or any variations thereof ("I enjoy many legal activities."), you should stay away from that person.

>>so if you are ready for man who you can take home to mother/children, hit me with full body pictures and tell me why u want to be marry. pictures upon request. <<

"I want to be Marry because my name is Agnes, and I've always hated that name!"

Also, if the guy is asking for full body pictures, it means he doesn't want to date anyone that doesn't meet with his idea of physical beauty. This is, sadly, the problem with most guys. Guys are physically attracted, first and foremost, and worry about personality and character a very distant second.
"Is she hot? No? Never mind."
Guys are stupid, and I include myself in that group, yes I do. I don't deny that there has to be some sort of physical attraction, for me to be interested in a relationship. I'm that shallow and stupid. I never claimed otherwise. It's probably why I don't have a girlfriend.

Anyway, yeah. Guys are like that, but most of them don't come out and say it, because it makes them look bad. So if this guy actually comes out and says it, along with some of the other stuff I've already pointed out, he's probably someone to be avoided, just on general principles.

So, that's it for this week. If you're looking to be Marry, want to date the anthropomorphic personification of blackmail, or just want a guy who appreciates a nicely cooked pork butt, you can find it on Craigslist.

-Tycho

Virgins and Backfat

In this we visit Rhode Island and Des Moines, IA. Singing, dancing, and dramatic email exchange reenactments ensue. Also, half of a lesson about why getting a proper fit in a bra is so very important.

Free Slightly Used Ex-Hubby

In our sophomore episode we visit Sacramento, CA and Boise, ID. We found inmates, good ol' boys, a substitute for true love, a startling number of phone numbers, and so much more!

The Alot is Better Than You At EVERYTHING

There's a link. Click it. That's the joke we reference in episode 1 about the "Alot."

It's worth reading, and while you're at it, read the rest of Allie's blog. It's definitely worth whatever you lose while doing it. Money, food, your job. Those can be replaced. This blog can't.

So give alot of help. I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

-Tycho

It's On Craigslist- Now with wider availability!

That's right, folks! Our podcast is now available on iTunes! You can subscribe to it through iTunes, instead of using that pesky feed URL, which you can still use, if you REALLY want to.

By the by, if anyone reading this wants to design a new and really pretty logo for us to use, we'd be ever so grateful.

Send in your submissions, and we'll pick a winner. That's right- it's a LOGO CONTEST!

-Tycho

40 Hours a Week Disease Free!

Our long-anticipated premiere episode! We travel to Annapolis, MD and St. Louis, MO, to examine the native courtship rituals: piggyback rides, public service announcements, and so much more!